To the Batpoles

Celebrating our defeat of an art forgery ring in Tehran with champagne and licorice, Rival and yours truly are suddenly captured by followers of radical extremist cleric Arshad Misbahi, and sentenced to death by stoning next Wednesday.

"Just as I was about to copyright the name 'Champagine and Licorice' for a blog title," I muse, pulling on the iron bars over the window.

"Courage, my love," Rival cautions, examining the stone walls for a chance at escape, "I wonder if I could use the battery from my cellphone to shock and stun one of the guards when they arrive with our day-old Roses Of The Prophet Muhammad and untreated water... Say - I've a cellphone!"

Hastily, I call up my ultra-leftist NDP supporter, Walworf.

"Walworf, it's Bo! Rival and I are in hot water with repressive homophobic religious nuts and we need rescuing!"

"Boss Harp and his minions again?"

"Walworf, these guys are serious, and are going to put Rival and me to death!!"

"Jesus, being against gay marriage is such a slippery slope, I always warned you."

"There's also 7 women across the hall going to be stoned to death - we can help them, too!"

"Already on it, Bo! I'm circulating an internet petition called 'Five Things Feminism Has Done For Me' to restore funding cuts to Status of Women!!"

"Walworf, I'm in Iran, not Canada! Rival and I and these 7 women are all going to be publicly stoned!"

"But Bo, that's their culture - we don't have the right to criticize diversity!"

Rival nudges me - "Someone's coming!"

"Walworf, you dink - I'll see you for movie night." Hanging up, I flatten to the wall behind the door, and Rival pretends to tie his shoe.

"I'll take the first guard," I whisper, "You take the second when he jumps me - I'll grab the keys and rescue the women."

I signal as a key turns in the lock.

Rival winks. "Courage, my love."

Wait a minute, is there a little similarity there?

Toronto Mayor David Miller - dismal failure
His challenger Jane Pitfield - lots of complaints and no ideas

Almost like our very own miniaturized Bush-vs-Democrats roleplaying battle, huh?

Global Fonzie

Too many environmental pundits are unaware of how afraid many (not all) scientists were of catastrophic global cooling in the 1970s.

However, one reporter from the era commented on CBC's As It Happens tonight that, as near as I recall his quote, "The Earth goes through cycles, there was in Ice Age 10 000 years ago. There's reason to wonder that if mankind hadn't learned how to burn coal and oil, we'd be entering into another Ice Age right now."

Wow.

Let's play a game!

One of these things does not belong here - see if you can guess which one!!!

No cheating!!!

1. Potential civil war in Iraq
2. The demise of the efficient electric car
3. Declining birth rates
4. Peter MacKay and Belinda Stronach
5. Genocide in Darfur


If you guessed 1, 2, 3, or 5 - try again!!!

Nothing civil about it...

Your old buddy Bo lounges in the tub re-reading Moonraker when the phone rings. Caller ID reveals it's his old ultra-Leftist NDP-organizer pal, Walworf!

BO: Hey funster, what's up.

WALWORF: Bo, what does it take to get people to fucking acknowledge, "This is a civil war"?

BO: Ummm... all the combatants shaking hands and saying, "Hey, good fight"?

WALWORF: I mean, it's time to fucking acknowledge it's happening. It's a society at war for fuck's sake, duking it out. Let's admit it, it's a civil war!

BO: Dude - I agree! I mean, over a 100 cars in flames every single night for a whole year now, a dozen daily attacks on police or emergency workers, over 3000 officers injured in 12 months, total "no-go" zones!

WALWORF: Holy shit, bro! I had NO IDEA it was that bad in Iraq!!

BO: Iraq?? Aren't we talking about France???

One for the team

Deep inside the Secret Underground Headquarters of the CPC, Prime Minister Stephen Harper steepled his fingers together in his luxurious, black leather swivel chair. His measured tone bounced off the long, slim granite table, around which rested the entire CPC Cabinet, cozy in the climate-controlled subterranean lava chamber.

"Houston, we have a problem," Harper began.

"I'll say," chimed in Rona Ambrose, "I guess that mediocre, but acceptable, framework approach we hastily cobbled together for the Clean Air Act should've been let loose last spring, when we first finished typing it up."

"Indeed," said Harper, stroking his favourite foster kitten, Howard Roark, in his lap, "Perhaps we ought not to have pretended to be working on a silver bullet all this time... our ruse has failed us, friends."

"If I may, Sir," offered Jason Kenney, the de facto Number Two, "I've a suggestion. What we need now is a diversion."

"Good idea!" agreed Peter MacKay, his rubber boots squeaking on the stainless steel floor, "I'll run up ahead of you guys, and when the Grits arrive, I'll pretend to need post-breakup grief counseling!!"

"Not this time, Peter," intoned Harper, his brow furrowed. "But say... you may have a role to play after all... You and Stronach used to nail... Hmmm - just maybe. Alright, it's crazy, but let's do it! MacKay, I want you to insult Stronach on the House floor! Something that the left could construe as sexist! This could be just the thing...."

"But sir," Rona interrupted, "Our spies tell us Belinda won't even be in the House tomorrow!"

"Never you mind, Rona!" enthused Peter, "I'll make it work! I know I can do it!"

"We're all counting on you, Peter," nodded Kenney. "This one's important, don't let us down."

"Don't worry, sirs. And ma'am. I'll have the left in a raving froth so knitted they'll completely forget about the environment!!!"

"Like they didn't while in office," quipped Harper.

"NAH HAH!" laughed Rona, offering a high-five palm to Harper, as the entire caucus burst out in united laughter. The Prime Minister smiled confidently, as Howard Roark tucked his chin into his tail and closed his eyes in the warm lap.

NYC and USA to terrorists: You win, we surrender!

A while ago - about five years, actually - my one of my sister's pigs was hit by a truck. It bled, it howled, it struggled, and the next day got it's strength back and was as spry as you can imagine. It was dead two days later, and I wonder if the same thing hasn't happened to New York.

I never liked a single design any architect ever proposed for the new World Trade Centre. Almost all of them were about half the height, which every moron in the world justified by saying, "Well, people will be scared to be in them."

Whatever happened to "Nothing to fear but fear itself"? Or, "if you don't rent cloud-view office space, then the terrorists will have won?" Let me tell you, if I had the money, I'd be first in line to rent the top floor - no question about it.

The worst designs were the bullshit 60 storey towers topped with lots of antenna or "rigging", as they liked to euphemistically call their faint-hearted efforts, to make it seem taller than the actual occupied building.

I always said, starting five minutes after the second tower collapsed: "We need to build those goddamn towers back, but this time, ten stories more - just to say, 'Fuck you'". Imagine my surprise when two New Yorkers took up my clarion call - Donald Trump unveiled a model of his idea, the identical towers built exactly the same but with one further, black floor on top, and Jerry Seinfeld called for the same WTC to be built over again, but this time with two giant signs on each that said, "Fuck" and "You".

Sadly, not only does New York not share the opinion of these two strategists, but it can't even get its act together to begin building a new World Trade Centre. Some enterprising T-shirt vendor should give up on "I Heart NY" and go for "I flew all the way to NY and all I saw was this lousy hole in the ground" - with all the chickenshit supporters who insist that nothing should be built there, I'm sure it'd be a big hit. For some reason, a lot of people prefer the hole in the ground.

There is no excuse in the world for this paucity of will and effort. Do we want to beat these motherfuckers, or do we not? Because right now, they are winning. They can turn on their tv on any given day and rest comfortably, knowing that victory is theirs, still - the skyline of the greatest city in the world still bears the trademark of their crafty wiles, not ours.

The fifth anniversary of September 11th ought to have been commemorated by George W. Bush cutting the ribbons to the new WTC, whichever design lily-livered NYC finally decided on. I recently found out that the Empire State Building was built - during the Depression, for god's sake - in 401 goddamn days, excavation to Hoover turning on the lights. We could do that again - Jesus, we could do it every 401 days using 80 year old technology.

Why has the WTC not been re-built? Why, for god's sake? In the name of all that is important to the West, why the fuck not? Why is New York not up in arms ready to crucify Bloomberg, Pataki, and Bush for their failure? Is there anything more important in wartime than symbolism? Is there any more powerful symbol in the world that anyone can think of, save Bin Ladin himself being eaten by American Staffordshire Terriers on live news, that could show the world America isn't going to take this treatment lying down? That America survived, and fights still? In this battle, there is no other symbol more potent than the WTC - and instead of a new tower, we've chosen a hole in the ground to be our emblem. Nice one, guys. The only problem is, it's their symbol, too.

It will be re-built eventually - they might even start laying the Freedom Tower foundation next year. Yee-haw, too late. By the time it's done, September 11th will have receded farther into the past, and the shock and horror will be even more diminished, and it just won't mean as much when it finally does open. It's already too late. Small children who see it won't have a clue what it really means, and anyone older will have struggled for most of an entire decade to put it behind them and move on with their lives. No, the chance to yell out in support of the construction team when you pass by has already faded. We've lost this part of the fight back against Bin Laden and against extremist radical Islam - the window of opportunity to shout out, "Fuck you" has now closed.

The guy who wins the fight is the one who keeps getting up, no matter what, no matter how bloodied - and right now, New York is down for the count.

It's Opposite Day! Hurray!!

When opposing means supporting!

An opponent of public security cameras interviewed on CBC hourly news apparently seems to strongly support security cameras on streets:

"It's a waste of money - why would someone shoot a gun in front of a camera? They're not to catch anyone. No one would be stupid enough to commit a crime on camera."


Can I get a camera on my street, in that case?

The Liberal Party needs a woman like a fish needs a bicycle

Make no mistake about it, folks - the Liberal Party is deeply committed to supporting and fostering the involvement of women in Canadian politics. Just so long as they're not Martha Hall Findlay!

The Liberal Party, which trips over itself to talk about plans and ideas to get women into politics, doesn't even give a terrific candidate like Martha a measly 2% of delegates - even that is too much to ask. The party talks a great game about being for women, but which parties have had a female leader? The Conservatives have - and given us a female Prime Minister (not even counting Joe Clark!) over a decade ago. The NDP has given us two - two! - female leaders. The Greens have been around for less time than the iPod, and even they've got a female leader. The party which claims the Conservatives have a hidden agenda against women has never had one - and they've just passed over the chance to let a good woman come close.

Martha Hall Findlay is honest, focused, hard-working, bilingual, and accomplished. She looks like a Prime Minister and is a worthy contender. If this candidate cannot make it to the second ballot, then the Liberals are today no more evolved than the Conservatives were in 1976 - three full decades ago.

This is a great opportunity for Liberals to demonstrate to Canadians how committed they are to supporting women in federal politics. Should Martha win? No. Should she be doing better than Volpe and Brison and Dryden are? Yes - she should. I really would love to see the Liberal Party give her a decent showing this December!

At last, good news for the depleted (and shrinking) Liberal ranks

Mel Gibson's joining! Hurray!

When you're this big, they call you Robert

One thing is slowly coming clear to me out of this whole Ignatieff/Qana/warcrimes flap:

In a leadership race, Bob Rae is the one showing the most leadership.

"I think it's a very unwise comment, because these words have a very prejudicial effect, and it's important for anybody not to rush to judgment on these matters. It's obviously an extremely emotional and difficult issue in the world," Mr. Rae said in an interview.

"To me, it's a terrible tragedy when civilians get killed in a war. But the suggestion of a war crime is something that involves the deliberate and intentional killing of civilians," he added.

He said Hezbollah, which fired rockets on Israeli towns, clearly aimed at civilians.

"But with respect to the government of Israel, I've never heard a serious suggestion that there was any deliberate targeting of civilians."

He's the only one to speak out on a controversial opinion and tackle it, and he's given the most reasonable (and, probably, most statesmanlike) opinion.

Right now, Bob Rae's starting to stand out in my view. I also think he's handled it more gracefully than Stephen Harper.

Southern Ontarioan tags. Big game ensues.

I've been bitten by S.O., who was bitten by Closet Liberal, to write a six word news story.

CL began with "Harper tackles environment. Warm winter predicted." Which is pretty good.

SO swings back with "Bush tries diplomacy. DRNK gets nukes." Also hot.

I've had real trouble here...

Iggy calls a crime, sleeps tight.

Crash sucks. Wins Best Movie Oscar.

Jason struggles mightily. Not good enough. (Not bad.... )

Rice elected President. Assassinated in South.

Saddam taken out. Flowers greet liberators. Nah.

Warcrimes in Qana. Better than Nyquil!

Rona produces zilch. Harper takes credit.

Oh, I think I got it...

Harper government defeated. UN recognizes Alberta.

I know, I know - all throughout, you've been wondering... who will Jason bite? Natch, the funniest guy around - ChuckerCanuck.

Qana Qana Qana Qana Qana Qameleon

I'm awfully hesitant to call Qana a warcrime - at current moment I suspect it would if anything be a tragic mistake, and intent, as I understand, makes the crime.

But the retraction is what makes this really embarrassing. And not embarrassing for Ignatieff - it's embarrassing for me just to watch.

No one needs "political experience" to understand how not to make a total asshole of yourself. Any junior boxboy at my grocery store knows how to carry yourself with some class and dignity. It's shocking that people are on this guy's bandwagon.

Cabinet or US Senate, fine. Party Leader? Give me a break.

Hurray! Now North Korea has the bomb!

Boy, this War On Terror is great! Remember when they had a War On Drugs, and now you can't buy any drugs anywhere any more? This is just like that!

A sad day for Nova Scotia

Of course, Sunday Shopping will only lead to Sunday Polygamy, Sunday Bestiality, Sunday Card Playing, and Sunday Solvent Huffing. What tragedy for New Scotland.

Muriel's Wedding

I never much believed that gay marriage was an issue of "human rights" - it's a sign of mission creep for Western rights activists when fighting for the rights of Elton John and David Furnish becomes more focused and intense than tackling female circumcision.

But, I'll say one thing - and it's a big thing. Gay men are, generally speaking, trash - and maybe gay marriage can help remedy that. I know lots of people who do drugs - and no one does drugs like gay men. I know gay men who (routinely) do so much cocaine they need to do Viagra on the side. And frequently add in GHB or tina to the mix. I know an above-average number of gay men who are educated but don't excel in life, a higher-than-normal number who drink to excess, and a whole damn lot who will do anything to get laid - not because they're horndogs, but because it will pick up their self-esteem for a bit. Most gay men live in a state of perpetual adolescence - prom night never happens, so high school never ends. Gay men never need to grow up and become a part of adult society.

It's a constant party, being "mainstream gay" - but there's an unhappiness behind the deep tans and designer T shirts. If finding a solid life partner in a communicative, trusting relationship is encouraged, maybe it can happen more. I don't know, but that's my current thinking.

I don't think it's a human rights issue the way that aboriginal standards of living is a human rights issue, but after years of thinking, I've come to think it's a solution that could help remedy a great deal of problems, without hurting anyone else. I say, let's keep it.