Sunday, October 29, 2006

To the Batpoles

Celebrating our defeat of an art forgery ring in Tehran with champagne and licorice, Rival and yours truly are suddenly captured by followers of radical extremist cleric Arshad Misbahi, and sentenced to death by stoning next Wednesday.

"Just as I was about to copyright the name 'Champagine and Licorice' for a blog title," I muse, pulling on the iron bars over the window.

"Courage, my love," Rival cautions, examining the stone walls for a chance at escape, "I wonder if I could use the battery from my cellphone to shock and stun one of the guards when they arrive with our day-old Roses Of The Prophet Muhammad and untreated water... Say - I've a cellphone!"

Hastily, I call up my ultra-leftist NDP supporter, Walworf.

"Walworf, it's Bo! Rival and I are in hot water with repressive homophobic religious nuts and we need rescuing!"

"Boss Harp and his minions again?"

"Walworf, these guys are serious, and are going to put Rival and me to death!!"

"Jesus, being against gay marriage is such a slippery slope, I always warned you."

"There's also 7 women across the hall going to be stoned to death - we can help them, too!"

"Already on it, Bo! I'm circulating an internet petition called 'Five Things Feminism Has Done For Me' to restore funding cuts to Status of Women!!"

"Walworf, I'm in Iran, not Canada! Rival and I and these 7 women are all going to be publicly stoned!"

"But Bo, that's their culture - we don't have the right to criticize diversity!"

Rival nudges me - "Someone's coming!"

"Walworf, you dink - I'll see you for movie night." Hanging up, I flatten to the wall behind the door, and Rival pretends to tie his shoe.

"I'll take the first guard," I whisper, "You take the second when he jumps me - I'll grab the keys and rescue the women."

I signal as a key turns in the lock.

Rival winks. "Courage, my love."

10 Comments:

Anonymous Fenris Badwulf said...

This is funny.

You will, of course, be labelled as a racist heteronormative meanie.

Monday, October 30, 2006 9:16:00 AM  
Blogger Olaf said...

You will, of course, be labelled as a racist heteronormative meanie.

Rightfully so, in my opinion. Jason is one of the most heteronormative meanie's I've had the displeasure of reading on this blogosphere.

In any case, this is a very exciting episode in your life Jason... I must ask, how'd it turn out? I'm assuming that Walworf's online petition was successful, as online petitions always are, but the escape?

Monday, October 30, 2006 9:21:00 AM  
Blogger SouthernOntarioan said...

very funny!

Just need the obligatory commercial breaks at strategic times.

Monday, October 30, 2006 9:59:00 AM  
Blogger Chuckercanuck said...

on CBC's "The Age of Persuasion" I learned that the future isn't in commercial breaks, its in sponsored entertainment...

so, I would respectfully retitle this hilarious quip as "To the Nerf Batpoles"

Monday, October 30, 2006 10:55:00 AM  
Blogger Jason Bo Green said...

I live for product placement - I'll wear any brandname clothing for the right fee, no question, no principles. Also, bakeries are competing to see who will supply the Roses of the Prophet Muhammed.

We're in a very exciting stage of development right now.

Monday, October 30, 2006 2:28:00 PM  
Blogger Chuckercanuck said...

the secret to a good roses of the prophet mohammed is the sugar, you need boatloads of it.

Monday, October 30, 2006 5:22:00 PM  
Blogger SouthernOntarioan said...

preferably sugar from Denmark

;)

Monday, October 30, 2006 6:14:00 PM  
Blogger The Tiger said...

You... you tease!

Monday, October 30, 2006 6:21:00 PM  
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