Tuesday, March 13, 2007

The Contenders

"Tarsands!" exclaims Stephen Harper, slamming his iron fist on the metallic boardroom table.  His favourite kitten, Howard Roark, jolts awake as the sound reverberates about the underground volcanic chamber.  "If only Ed Broadbent were still active today, together the NDP and ourselves could be burying the Liberal Party alive - and screaming!"  

"The problem as I see it," begins Wajid Khan.

"Um, Wajid?" interrupts Jason Kenney, "You're not really one of us, okay?  See if you're here after the next election."  Kenney pats Wajid's knee and smiles.

"The real problem is Jack Layton," muses Stephen Harper, stroking Howard Roark's whiskers.

"Why don't we just kill him?" suggests Rob Anders.

"Talk about getting 'results for people'," chortles Rona Ambrose.

"Nah hah!  High Five!" grins Harper, throwing Rona an open palm.

"Whoo!" coos Rona, taking it.

"No, but seriously," says Harper soberly, "I'm afraid he'd have too much power as a martyr, which is what a little 'accident' would transform him into."

"Oh?" asks Kenney, "What if our little 'accident' involved him dying of auto-erotic asphyxiation?"

"Strategically brilliant," muses Harper, "But - we're not that evil."

Kenney's eyebrows lift in surprise.  "We're not?" he asks warily, peering around at the rest of the caucus, seeing them as if for the first time...

Rahim Jaffer sits back and folds his arms behind his head.  "We did such an excellent job driving them away from Bob Rae....," he ponders.

"Testify!" enthuses Peter MacKay, lifting a high-five palm to the table.

No one takes it.

"Perhaps we should have focused more on Ignatieff," wonders Jaffer aloud.  "After all, Peter was no threat when trying to upstage you, sir... but this Ignatieff person, he has a real charisma....  Frankly, I'm concerned."

"Agreed," nods Harper.

"Hey, I know!" chortles John Baird, "Let's do a personality swap between Peter here and Michael Ignatieff!"

The table bursts out in gales of laughter and Peter MacKay sulks, reddened with embarrassment.  Jason Kenney thinks to himself, "Are we evil, or are we mice?" and Howard Roark curls up in Harper's lap.

4 Comments:

Blogger Sheena said...

My honourary blogmother Sooey and I often joke about Ed B since we both lived in his riding for a while. It usually started with him trying to buy a Frank Magazine and falafels at Boushey's on Elgin Street and ending sadly with "Dude, Where's my Car".

Tuesday, March 13, 2007 8:38:00 PM  
Anonymous southernontarioan said...

What do you mean Tories aren't THAT evil???

Here I was rooting for them all along cuz I thought they were the bad guys! Sheesh, talk about misrepresentation.

Wednesday, March 14, 2007 10:06:00 AM  
Blogger Chuckercanuck said...

Jason,

this is just bloody brilliant!

Wednesday, March 14, 2007 5:51:00 PM  
Blogger Candace said...

Damn! I should have paid more attention to that useless show Star Trek and it's many, many, many progeny.

I sense brilliance, but sadly lack the first-hand knowledge required to acknowledge it.

Monday, March 19, 2007 1:27:00 AM  

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