Wednesday, November 08, 2006

The Provinces at the beach!

Everyone's favourite wacky family, the Provinces, interrupt their vacation with a familiar debate:

"I think I'm special and unique," sighs Quebec.

"We know, you're a girl," says Alberta, "Thanks for reminding us yet again."

"Well, I'm a hermaphrodite, so I'm special too," chimes in New Brunswick.

"I have something of a feminine side myself," says Ontario, "And Quebec has her tomboyish bits, also."

"Jesus," huffs BC, holding a lungful of smoke in, "Haven't we been over and over this already?"

"I just think it's time you boys all understood - I'm different than you. I have a unique perspective and outlook and I obey a different set of - you know, rules."

"That doesn't make you special," chides Ontario, "I'm special, too - I have a huge... you know."

"Yeah, we know," groans Nova Scotia, "No need to keep reminding."

"It was the biggest in the world at one time, you know."

"Thanks - we know!"

"I'm the best looking one," suggests BC.

"Says who?" object the rest in unison.

"Oh, but you have had a lot of substance abuse problems!" offers Nova Scotia.

"Good one!" cries BC, "High five!"

"I'm adopted!" smiles Newfoundland proudly.

"I went through rebellious phase a long time ago," suggests Manitoba. "In this family, that's special..."

"I'm a unique colour!" pipes up PEI.

"No one ever remembers me," says Saskatchewan, "That's special!"

"I survived a huge explosion!" reminds Nova Scotia.

"You want to talk about 'special'? You wanna talk about 'grievances'?" scoffs Alberta, "I was the one being anally raped all my entire adolescence by our loving parents, just because Ontario thought it would be interesting to watch - I'd call that pretty fucking 'unique', wouldn't you?"

"Oh dear," tuts Ontario, quickly changing the subject, "Alberta has some issues to work out. Now, back to Quebec - "

"Why do I feel like I don't have a voice in this family?" asks Alberta, "Why?"

"Because we don't, join the club," says BC.

"I feel like no one ever listens to me," says Alberta.

"Is someone talking? I can't hear anything," quips Quebec.

"Yeah, me too," agrees Ontario, "I keep hearing this faint buzz, but I can't make out any words."

"Screw you's all," snorts Alberta, "I could buy and sell every one of ya's."

"La la la la, la la laa la la la laaa, I can't hear anything at all!" sings Ontario.

"Nah hah! High five!" chuckles Quebec.

Alberta stomps off to throw stones ponderously into the water. Soon, BC approaches to console him, and they talk quietly by themselves while Ontario and Quebec dazzle themselves with their wit and finery.


Blogger SouthernOntarioan said...

Ouch, poor Alberta.

You should have mentioned that they were at Alberta's private beach and that Alberta was a rich multi-millionaire while Quebec survives on welfare and is put up in ALberta's private condo.

Wednesday, November 08, 2006 9:43:00 AM  
Blogger Chuckercanuck said...

and that Quebec would only show up drunk and stoned in case she gets stuck sitting between Saskatchewan and Manitoba.

Wednesday, November 08, 2006 10:18:00 AM  
Blogger Gavin Neil said...

Alberta is obviously also a girl.

And Ontario's is still the Biggest. In. The. World.


PS Southern - they're the richest per capita, but we in Ontario still give way more than they do, and have been giving way more than any other province since before I was born. I'ts called "co-operation", and it works best when people don't try to keep score.

Wednesday, November 08, 2006 4:40:00 PM  
Blogger Brian C said...

And Ontario's is still the Biggest. In. The. World.


Wednesday, November 08, 2006 4:46:00 PM  
Anonymous Gol said...

Well done Jason.

Wednesday, November 08, 2006 5:15:00 PM  
Blogger Sheena said...

And the Northwest Territories will have Nunavut.

Wednesday, November 08, 2006 7:37:00 PM  
Blogger SouthernOntarioan said...

Actually per capita Alberta gives more.

I agree with the equalization payments and I think they are necessary. But one province shouldn't try to take advantage of the system the way Quebec has.

Wednesday, November 08, 2006 8:03:00 PM  
Blogger Chuckercanuck said...

take advantage? we just flash more skin and get more stuffed down our thongs.

Thursday, November 09, 2006 1:35:00 PM  
Blogger Candace said...

I would make a witty comment, but no one would read it.


Thursday, November 09, 2006 11:27:00 PM  
Blogger Jason Bo Green said...

Nice one, Candace. ;) That may be stolen as my new standard line.

Friday, November 10, 2006 5:56:00 AM  
Blogger Jason Bo Green said...

Ohhhhh, I get it at last, Sheena - nice one!

Friday, November 10, 2006 5:56:00 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

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Thursday, November 16, 2006 1:19:00 AM  
Blogger deaner said...

"And Ontario's is still the Biggest. In. The. World.
"...and have been giving way more than any other province since before I was born. I'ts called "co-operation", and it works best when people don't try to keep score."

There are days when I feel a lot of sympathy for western separatism.

Friday, November 24, 2006 4:51:00 PM  

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