Masculinity Rebooted

A star is born this weekend - Western masculinity is back. Reports are already filtering in from Hollywood of the apparent suicides of Leonardo DiCaprio, Tom Cruise, Ashton Kutcher, Adrian Brody, Heath Ledger, and Tobey Maguire, all distraught at the destruction of their fanbases by the arrival of Daniel Craig as James Bond.

If Sean Connery died this morning, the papers tomorrow would say, "originated role of James Bond prior to Daniel Craig". I know this is a longshot, but heck - I'll take it: Don't be surprised if he takes home the Oscar in a few months.

And don't be surprised if a lot of big actors in Hollywood aren't working past next year.

Believe it. Bond hasn't returned; he's only just arrived.

The Provinces at the beach!

Everyone's favourite wacky family, the Provinces, interrupt their vacation with a familiar debate:

"I think I'm special and unique," sighs Quebec.

"We know, you're a girl," says Alberta, "Thanks for reminding us yet again."

"Well, I'm a hermaphrodite, so I'm special too," chimes in New Brunswick.

"I have something of a feminine side myself," says Ontario, "And Quebec has her tomboyish bits, also."

"Jesus," huffs BC, holding a lungful of smoke in, "Haven't we been over and over this already?"

"I just think it's time you boys all understood - I'm different than you. I have a unique perspective and outlook and I obey a different set of - you know, rules."

"That doesn't make you special," chides Ontario, "I'm special, too - I have a huge... you know."

"Yeah, we know," groans Nova Scotia, "No need to keep reminding."

"It was the biggest in the world at one time, you know."

"Thanks - we know!"

"I'm the best looking one," suggests BC.

"Says who?" object the rest in unison.

"Oh, but you have had a lot of substance abuse problems!" offers Nova Scotia.

"Good one!" cries BC, "High five!"

"I'm adopted!" smiles Newfoundland proudly.

"I went through rebellious phase a long time ago," suggests Manitoba. "In this family, that's special..."

"I'm a unique colour!" pipes up PEI.

"No one ever remembers me," says Saskatchewan, "That's special!"

"I survived a huge explosion!" reminds Nova Scotia.

"You want to talk about 'special'? You wanna talk about 'grievances'?" scoffs Alberta, "I was the one being anally raped all my entire adolescence by our loving parents, just because Ontario thought it would be interesting to watch - I'd call that pretty fucking 'unique', wouldn't you?"

"Oh dear," tuts Ontario, quickly changing the subject, "Alberta has some issues to work out. Now, back to Quebec - "

"Why do I feel like I don't have a voice in this family?" asks Alberta, "Why?"

"Because we don't, join the club," says BC.

"I feel like no one ever listens to me," says Alberta.

"Is someone talking? I can't hear anything," quips Quebec.

"Yeah, me too," agrees Ontario, "I keep hearing this faint buzz, but I can't make out any words."

"Screw you's all," snorts Alberta, "I could buy and sell every one of ya's."

"La la la la, la la laa la la la laaa, I can't hear anything at all!" sings Ontario.

"Nah hah! High five!" chuckles Quebec.

Alberta stomps off to throw stones ponderously into the water. Soon, BC approaches to console him, and they talk quietly by themselves while Ontario and Quebec dazzle themselves with their wit and finery.

Democrats win House, poised to take Senate

Well, they'd been afraid of changing
'Cause they'd built their life around him
But time makes you bolder
Even children get older
And they're getting older, too

So take their love, take it down
If he climbs a mountain and he turns around
And if he sees their reflection in the snow covered hills
Well the landslide bring it down

I always said Stevie Nicks was good for any occasion.

The Democrats are clueless and whining, but the Republicans are incompetent and arrogant. Neither is all that hot, really - but a wake-up call to a stubborn, out of touch President is a pretty good result, I suppose.

Meanwhile, back in the TARDIS

In an exciting display of a new bi-partisanship, Michael Ignatieff returns home (Boston) to boost his image posing with John Kerry, while Kerry gets to meet with the esteemed Human Rights neo-conservative who now opposes Bush - it's a match made in heaven!

Jeans and boots and flannel shirts on proud display, Ignatieff and Kerry address the press corps.

"We wanna support the little guy," enthuses Kerry.

"The peasant!" chimes in Ignatieff.

"Exactly!"

"And we've got a new direction in Iraq!"

"Preferably, the exact opposite direction we took going in!" jokes Kerry, elbowing Ignatieff jovially - Ignatieff winks and shoots back a gun finger.

"Right, John! Just as soon as Quebeckers are protected from tyranny and oppression!"

"He means 'Kurds'," Kerry explains, smiling.

Once inside their campaign bus, which is actually a re-configured TARDIS, housing a lavish Roman spa in an ornate Baroque style, Kerry and Ignatieff hand the flannel shirts to loyal peasants assistants, who tear away velcro jeans and hold out ermine capes for the dandies. A small (live) orchestra stirs up Handel's Water Music, and curried prawns and Veuve Cliquot appear courtesy of pages, as Ignatieff's and Kerry's sumptuous thrones are wheeled in by plumed ponies.

"Ah, this campaign shall be the death of these wearied, humble bones," sighs Michael Ignatieff.

"Indeed, old compatriot, as shall mine be of mine! OOF!!" agrees John Kerry, banging his head painfully on the outstretched marble arm of a statue.

"For sooth, why in god's name need we betters even bother to campaign? OH!" wonders Mi, slipping up on a steamed mussel and banging his jaw on his sealskin and granite throne.

"A cruel, cruel jest!" waxes Senator j/k, rubbing his skull. "Can these peons not recognize our imperial majesties and simply acquiesce to our shining brilliances? URGH!" he finishes, smacking his funnybone against the family crest.

"Indeed, I must agree," says Mi, spitting out a molar, "Are we not jewels ablaze? ARCK!", he queries, accidentally kneeing his own self right in the nuts (it's complicated to explain, but he somehow manages it).

"Ohhh, I've done that one before!" sympathizes J/K. "Tell me, good friend," he asks, rolling a delicately pinched finger in the air, "Do you have any Grey Poupon?"

Mi breaks out into delicately stifled giggles: "Oh, really that is too much! You really are the limit!"

"Indeed, I am!" winks Kerry mischievously.

"Why don't they 'get' us, John?" ponders Mi, gazing out on the sun-dappled villages and cities.

"Maybe, Michael, they just don't deserve us," suggests J/K.

"Yes," smiles Mi, "I like that."

Provigo to veterans: Fuck you

A Provigo has decided it no longer has room for vets to sell poppies in their store.

A quick internet search finds that Loblaw's owns: Loblaw's, Real Canadian Superstore, Zehr's, Real Canadian Wholesale Club, anything President's Choice, and Maxi, as well as the mentioned Provigo chain.

(Thanks to Bourque for this, as always.)

The Provinces at the beach!

Everyone's favourite wacky family, the Provinces, interrupt their vacation with a familiar debate:

"I think I'm special and unique," sighs Quebec.

"We know, you're a girl," says Alberta, "Thanks for reminding us yet again."

"Well, I'm a hermaphrodite, so I'm special too," chimes in New Brunswick.

"I have something of a feminine side myself," says Ontario, "And Quebec has her tomboyish bits, also."

"Jesus," huffs BC, holding a lungful of smoke in, "Haven't we been over and over this already?"

"I just think it's time you boys all understood - I'm different than you. I have a unique perspective and outlook and I obey a different set of - you know, rules."

"That doesn't make you special," chides Ontario, "I'm special, too - I have a huge... you know."

"Yeah, we know," groans Nova Scotia, "No need to keep reminding."

"It was the biggest in the world at one time, you know."

"Thanks - we know!"

"I'm the best looking one," suggests BC.

"Says who?" object the rest in unison.

"Oh, but you have had a lot of substance abuse problems!" offers Nova Scotia.

"Good one!" cries BC, "High five!"

"I'm adopted!" smiles Newfoundland proudly.

"I went through rebellious phase a long time ago," suggests Manitoba. "In this family, that's special..."

"I'm a unique colour!" pipes up PEI.

"No one ever remembers me," says Saskatchewan, "That's special!"

"I survived a huge explosion!" reminds Nova Scotia.

"You want to talk about 'special'? You wanna talk about 'grievances'?" scoffs Alberta, "I was the one being anally raped all my entire adolescence by our loving parents, just because Ontario thought it would be interesting to watch - I'd call that pretty fucking 'unique', wouldn't you?"

"Oh dear," tuts Ontario, quickly changing the subject, "Alberta has some issues to work out. Now, back to Quebec - "

"Why do I feel like I don't have a voice in this family?" asks Alberta, "Why?"

"Because we don't, join the club," says BC.

"I feel like no one ever listens to me," says Alberta.

"Is someone talking? I can't hear anything," quips Quebec.

"Yeah, me too," agrees Ontario, "I keep hearing this faint buzz, but I can't make out any words."

"Screw you's all," snorts Alberta, "I could buy and sell every one of ya's."

"La la la la, la la laa la la la laaa, I can't hear anything at all!" sings Ontario.

"Nah hah! High five!" chuckles Quebec.

Alberta stomps off to throw stones ponderously into the water. Soon, BC approaches to console him, and they talk quietly by themselves while Ontario and Quebec dazzle themselves with their wit and finery.

Meanwhile, underground...

Howard Roark and John Galt, Stephen Harper's favourite kittens, frolic and wrestle at Harper's ankles on the lava-rock floor as Harper calls the secret meeting of the CPC to order around their long, stainless steel table.

"Why don't we just kill Jack Layton?" offers Jason Kenney.

"No, not yet," muses Harper, scratching the ears of Dagny Taggart in his lap. "Martyr-hood would only give him more power..."

"Don't you mean 'some' power," quips Rona Ambrose.

"Hi-five!" snickers Harper, throwing a palm to her.

"It's so funny to see Jack Layton try and act tough!" chortles Peter MacKay, his rubber boots squeaking on the floor. "Trying to act like a real man or something!"

"Hey, how about you give that a shot, Peter?" scoffs Rahim Jaffer, to Jason Kenney's amusement.

"Seriously though," interrupts Rona, "Should we be worried about all this?"

"Well...," ponders Harper, rubbing Dagny Taggart's chin, "An election right now could be in Canada's best interests...."

"WHAT?" exclaims Jason Kenney.

"But sir! The Liberals don't even have a leader! They'd NEVER support Layton in this!"

"Exactly, Rona! - they'd have to select a leader immediately."

"Ohhhhh," says Rona, suddenly getting it, "Triggering an early end to their 9 month sideshow..."

"I see what you mean by Canada's best interests," muses Jason Kenney.