Thursday, March 22, 2007

Short-Terms of Endearment

"Alright, fuck it," announces Stephen Harper, his voice reverberating around the underground lava tunnels of the secret CPC headquarters, "Polls say green, and green means Go. I can do the Green Power Ranger as well as any third-rate bit player who can't get a real job on a freaking soap opera - I'm the Grand Moff of this team effort, and I say we go for short-term Kyoto target commitments, now."

The assembled CPC caucus stares back around the long black marble topped table. "Great," mutters Rona Ambrose to herself, "Where was this schtick when I needed it?"
"Something you wanted to add, Rona?" queries the Prime Minister, as Howard Roark, his favourite kitten, springs into his lap.
"No sir, just saying 'Great idea, sir!', that's all."
"Mr. Prime Minister - we're against Kyoto, no?" asks Jason Kenney, bewildered.
"Correction - we were. But, Angus Reid has spoken, so let's get to it."
"Whoa whoa whoa whoa, hold on there, Steve-O," chimes in John Baird. "I'M the environment minister here - "
"You're right, but guess what, hotshot? 'PRIME' outweighs 'environment' when it comes to ministerial duties," Harper shoots back. "
"This commits us to quite a large expenditure of cash, overseas," cautions Jason Kenney, "Why don't we just, you know, make a speech to the whole country about why we believe Kyoto will fail and is a waste of money?"
"Interesting," muses Stephen Harper, stroking Howard Roark, "Yes.. But - nah, let's go with spending boatloads of money."
"I could take a stab at the speech," offers Jason Kenney, "We could hire someone for a few grand, saving boatloads of Canada's cash."
"I appreciate your input," nods Stephen Harper.
"We could get the co-founder of Greenpeace to support us building nuclear reactors to get us off of coal, I'm sure he'd be happy to - "
"No, I've given this a lot of thought," says Stephen Harper thoughtfully, tickling Howard Roark's whiskers. "Canadians don't want a Prime Minister who will lead them and use the power of debate and argument to persuade them. They want us to spend tonnes of cash - on stuff. They want an impersonal and aloof PM - like me - who isn't interested in connecting with them to share his views, who doesn't want to try and win them over. Guys - I'm that Prime Minister!"

The CPC caucus stares back.

Stephen Harper shoots them a gun finger. "Trust me guys," he winks, "I know what I'm doing here."


Blogger Candace said...

I never thought I'd regret the day I didn't figure out chess.

Check out Dennis (SecondThoughts) on this. He has a very interesting idea, which, when combined with Harper's pre-budget speeches including the line "we can no longer reneg on int'l agmts" (or words to that effect), makes for interesting speculation.

Thursday, March 22, 2007 11:51:00 PM  
Blogger Tarkwell Robotico said...

What? But I feel such a connection with my PM.

Friday, March 23, 2007 3:18:00 PM  
Blogger The Tiger said...

Yes indeed, that's the lesson of the 1990s and the first half of the 2000s. ;-)

Friday, March 23, 2007 8:14:00 PM  
Blogger Jacques Beau Vert said...

Hm, I don't know the Second Thoughts blog, I'll give a guess to the address though.

Saturday, March 24, 2007 3:18:00 PM  
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