The modern woman's adventures in T.O.

My professional neighbour Gallery drops by to help herself to some of the chocolate chip cookie dough I'm batching up while Walworf cuts his toenails at the kitchen table.

Gallery: I saw the biggest asshole on the subway today.
Walworf: Boss HarperCon?
Gallery: Strike one, brainiac. Like, Bo, this guy was really cute and stuff, and we were totally looking at each other, and made some eye contact. And then he like just stood there holding the strap, and smiled at me. So I was like, smiling back. And then we just waited, and he got out two stops later. And I was like, "Fuck you, asswipe."
Bo: Huh?
Gallery: Like, what kind of asshole doesn't come over and say hi? We were totally into each other, I would have given him my card - we could have been having coffee tomorrow or this weekend.
Bo: I thought you were a feminist??
Gallery: Of course I'm a feminist!! Why would you even question that?!?!

Separatists say the darnedest things...

"Maybe our rebuild Quebec platform was too radical," he said.
-PQ supporter at Club Soda

A rumour is a rumour is a rumour

Let's face it. People are cocksuckers in politics. It's not a good thing. It shouldn't happen. But it does. The rumour around the blogosphere (Let me be very clear; I am not suggesting that the rumour is true. I am only stating that it is out there.) is that Jason Cherniak sucks Liberal cock. And also that he let Paul Martin cum all over his face, lick it up and snowball it into Jason's mouth, asking Martin (or so this well-known rumour goes) "Please sir may I have another?!"

At its best, politics is about compromise. Let's bring down the volume of the debate and discuss it rationally.

UPDATE
I'm sorry if you read this and don't like me reporting the rumour about Jason-Cherniak sucking dicks, but it IS a real rumour. It is not the same as accusing him of having relations with sheep, because that is not a real rumour that is circulating in Toronto. Further, I am not demanding that he deny it.

Because wifebeaters are people, too!

Looking to castigate your disobedient wife? Held back by an interfering legal system infringing on your personal and property rights?

Why not move your family to beautiful Germany, find religion, and hope to have your case heard by this judge!

Short-Terms of Endearment

"Alright, fuck it," announces Stephen Harper, his voice reverberating around the underground lava tunnels of the secret CPC headquarters, "Polls say green, and green means Go. I can do the Green Power Ranger as well as any third-rate bit player who can't get a real job on a freaking soap opera - I'm the Grand Moff of this team effort, and I say we go for short-term Kyoto target commitments, now."

The assembled CPC caucus stares back around the long black marble topped table. "Great," mutters Rona Ambrose to herself, "Where was this schtick when I needed it?"
"Something you wanted to add, Rona?" queries the Prime Minister, as Howard Roark, his favourite kitten, springs into his lap.
"No sir, just saying 'Great idea, sir!', that's all."
"Excellent."
"Mr. Prime Minister - we're against Kyoto, no?" asks Jason Kenney, bewildered.
"Correction - we were. But, Angus Reid has spoken, so let's get to it."
"Whoa whoa whoa whoa, hold on there, Steve-O," chimes in John Baird. "I'M the environment minister here - "
"You're right, but guess what, hotshot? 'PRIME' outweighs 'environment' when it comes to ministerial duties," Harper shoots back. "
"This commits us to quite a large expenditure of cash, overseas," cautions Jason Kenney, "Why don't we just, you know, make a speech to the whole country about why we believe Kyoto will fail and is a waste of money?"
"Interesting," muses Stephen Harper, stroking Howard Roark, "Yes.. But - nah, let's go with spending boatloads of money."
"I could take a stab at the speech," offers Jason Kenney, "We could hire someone for a few grand, saving boatloads of Canada's cash."
"I appreciate your input," nods Stephen Harper.
"We could get the co-founder of Greenpeace to support us building nuclear reactors to get us off of coal, I'm sure he'd be happy to - "
"No, I've given this a lot of thought," says Stephen Harper thoughtfully, tickling Howard Roark's whiskers. "Canadians don't want a Prime Minister who will lead them and use the power of debate and argument to persuade them. They want us to spend tonnes of cash - on stuff. They want an impersonal and aloof PM - like me - who isn't interested in connecting with them to share his views, who doesn't want to try and win them over. Guys - I'm that Prime Minister!"

The CPC caucus stares back.

Stephen Harper shoots them a gun finger. "Trust me guys," he winks, "I know what I'm doing here."

Articulatedliness

Your old buddy Bo is lounging around sipping a Shirley Temple and watching the Muppets when his ultra-left-wing best friend Walworf walks in with a newspaper.

Walworf: Do you wanna seriously barf?
Bo: Hey, are you mocking my former bulimia??
Walworf: Look at this - George Bush thinks Barack Obama is "articulate".
Bo: Uh, isn't he, rather?
Walworf: Bo, you just don't get it. Black people are as smart as white people -
Bo: Or in Barack Obama's and my case, seven times smarter.
Walworf: They shouldn't have to face discrimination like being called "articulate" for being able to talk like a white person! Why is it so shocking to Bush that a black person can form a sentence?!
Bo: Hold on, is this your supervisor George Bush, or US President George W. Bush we're talking about here?
Walworf: President Bush, duh - Jesus!
Bo: Uhhh.... Walworf - he probably really is shocked whenever a person can form a sentence, no?

Walworf crumples the newspaper in angst, and leaves your hero to a skit about Gonzo in space.

The Contenders

"Tarsands!" exclaims Stephen Harper, slamming his iron fist on the metallic boardroom table.  His favourite kitten, Howard Roark, jolts awake as the sound reverberates about the underground volcanic chamber.  "If only Ed Broadbent were still active today, together the NDP and ourselves could be burying the Liberal Party alive - and screaming!"  

"The problem as I see it," begins Wajid Khan.

"Um, Wajid?" interrupts Jason Kenney, "You're not really one of us, okay?  See if you're here after the next election."  Kenney pats Wajid's knee and smiles.

"The real problem is Jack Layton," muses Stephen Harper, stroking Howard Roark's whiskers.

"Why don't we just kill him?" suggests Rob Anders.

"Talk about getting 'results for people'," chortles Rona Ambrose.

"Nah hah!  High Five!" grins Harper, throwing Rona an open palm.

"Whoo!" coos Rona, taking it.

"No, but seriously," says Harper soberly, "I'm afraid he'd have too much power as a martyr, which is what a little 'accident' would transform him into."

"Oh?" asks Kenney, "What if our little 'accident' involved him dying of auto-erotic asphyxiation?"

"Strategically brilliant," muses Harper, "But - we're not that evil."

Kenney's eyebrows lift in surprise.  "We're not?" he asks warily, peering around at the rest of the caucus, seeing them as if for the first time...

Rahim Jaffer sits back and folds his arms behind his head.  "We did such an excellent job driving them away from Bob Rae....," he ponders.

"Testify!" enthuses Peter MacKay, lifting a high-five palm to the table.

No one takes it.

"Perhaps we should have focused more on Ignatieff," wonders Jaffer aloud.  "After all, Peter was no threat when trying to upstage you, sir... but this Ignatieff person, he has a real charisma....  Frankly, I'm concerned."

"Agreed," nods Harper.

"Hey, I know!" chortles John Baird, "Let's do a personality swap between Peter here and Michael Ignatieff!"

The table bursts out in gales of laughter and Peter MacKay sulks, reddened with embarrassment.  Jason Kenney thinks to himself, "Are we evil, or are we mice?" and Howard Roark curls up in Harper's lap.

Who Watches The Watchers?

Inside the Liberal Party's glittering satellite headquarters, silently orbiting the Earth, Stephane Dion slams a fist into the round table.

"Under Stephen Harper's extreme right-wing neo-conservative fascist rule Canada will not exist in 5 years!"

The assembled Liberal MPs and officials murmur; Bob Rae and Michael Ignatieff share raised eyebrows.

"Er, Stephane?" interjects Ignatieff, "Polls show the 'scary Stephen' angle just isn't working anymore..."

"Agreed, the shiny is off that penny," chimes in Bob Rae.

"Do we even care whether our children grow up in a scorched desert, submerged beneath rising sea levels?" Dion shrieks, his face purpled.

Martha Hall Findlay scratches her head, but looks attentive. Behind him, just outside one of the satellite's portholes, a tiny electronic device huddles in the seam, blinking a tiny blue light....


Meanwhile, in the Conservative Party's underground limestone chamber, gathered around their long stainless steel boardroom table, Stephen Harper and the Conservative caucus watch the Liberal proceedings on a giant viewscreen. Harper strokes his favourite cat, Howard Roark, in his lap.

"Excellent - our furtive mind-control device is working perfectly," murmurs Harper, scratching Howard Roark's chin. "Dion will unwittingly lead the Liberals to utter collapse - thanks to our remote control of him..."

"Amazing technology, sir," compliments John Baird, "But, where did we get it??"

Howard Roark clambers to the floor to prowl around the cold lava.

"A mystery donor sympathetic to our cause," replies industry-magus Maxime Bernier.

Jason Kenney leans in to Baird. "We suspect Conrad Black," he winks, lifting a 'shush' finger to his lips.

Stephen Harper watches the Liberal leader self-destruct, transfixed and hypnotized, eyes glazed and never blinking, the screen's lights coldly dancing on his tight face.

Howard Roark cleans his claws against the oak frame of the floor-to-ceiling oil portrait of Conrad Black. High above the unsuspecting gaze of the CPC, the severe eyes of Lord Black watch all, and the glistening black pupils whir mechanically.....


Meanwhile, several kilometres below the Crawford ranch, a stainless steel elevator hisses open, releasing hissing steam and George W. Bush, who strides into the polished-metal science lab of the Republican Party, where a three-dimensional hologram of Stephen Harper plays in live-feed.

"Status report," asks Bush tersely.

"Everything running smoothly," chortles Karl Rove, "The fool really believes he's controlling his own actions and thoughts! So does Canada!"

"Soon, our kind will rule and unite North America into one," beholds an awed Bush.

"Well really sir, the Canadian Conservatives are actually more like our Democrats....," cautions Colin Powell.

"SILENCE, FOOL!" snarls Dick Cheney, pounding the trapdoor release button - Colin Powell disappears with a shriek. Again.

"Soon," says Bush, "Soon, we will rule."

None notice the tiny humming noise emanating from Bush's enameled lapel pin....


Meanwhile, in a mysterious location unknown even to your humble narrator, in a cozy executive den, a mysterious mastermind watches George Bush on a tiny LCD screen in his leather chair's armrest.

A young assistant hands a report over - a well-tailored dark-sleeved hand accepts it to ponder over.

"Sir, Operation Brain Control is proceeding precisely as planned. No one has suspected the cerebral-control emitter's existence yet, and Bush continues to mangle words and make disastrous decisions - within 18 months, America will be primed for a 50-state Democratic sweep."

"Wonderful," intones the mastermind, slowly swiveling around in his high-backed leather chair, to reveal himself as Al Gore. "Well done," he says, clicking off the tiny screen, and steepling his fingers thoughtfully. "Proceed as instructed."

"One thing, sir," chips in the assistant, "Sensors indicate the brain control ray-drive is emitting dangerously high levels of CO2..."

"Fuck it," snorts Gore, "Let's fry this bastard."

Who's Who in Blogs

I've never found myself wishing that Rob Anders had a blog before - but he'd make a perfect Hannibal Lecter after his handlers strap him to a dolly with that plastic shield over his mouth. Oh well, still lots to choose from. Canada's Debate asks which bloggers remind of us of which fictional characters. I know, I know, you think I'm just exactly like Superman... I get it all the time, thanks - really. Never one to turn down a procrastinating exercise in fun - a two-fer if one ever existed - I was all over it like an iSkin over a Mac keyboard.


Liblogs
Technologically inter-linked into one hive mentality; "ASSIMILATE OR DIE!!!", defeated after they fall asleep while completing their takeover of Earth - this one's a no-brainer:







Borg Cube all the way.


Blogging Tories
Stay sharp! It's the Borg Sphere!

The exact same "Assimilate or be destroyed!" herd mentality, but bigger, with more advanced technology, and more menacing.















Blogging Dippers
They think everyone else is unbearably ugly, can't bear to associate with anyone unlike themselves, too ideological and pre-occupied with fighting amongst themselves over who is most ideological - they sound tantalizingly like the Ferengi, but for their fear and loathing of wealth.... so I'm gonna have to run with the always-useful Red Shirts - Lieutenants Adams, Beaton, Colby, Darnell, Erie, Fallon, Golding, Hooper, Ilton, Jones, Kurt, Latimer, Morton, Norris, O'Hara, Pitt, Quinn, Radstake, Smith, Tanner, Unsworth, Xavier, Yan, and Zetter. Thanks guys, for always taking one for the team!

Calgary Grit is easy - private, not prone to chitchat, work focused, absorbed in study, collects opinions in roundtable discussion. Prefers diplomacy to fighting, and shields to attacking. A good bet to be an Ambassador in the future. Who is he? Pick a card - any card. Even the Captain Picard.

Careful, he's linked to the Borg! But ultimately, he's better than them.


ChuckerCanuck - a highly trained and skilled engineer, full of hearty bluster, good cheer, and humour, and his travels carry him far. Loyal at all costs, he's there with all the defence and offence any leader could ever hope for. As long as Chucker has a pack of gum and two sticks to rub together, his Supreme Leader knows someone's got his back. Oh, and he's played by a Canadian.


Olaf Raskolnikov
This one was hard, but I think I finally nailed it. He's a two-parter, a yin and yang, a perfect balance of Lisa's devotion to study and education and Bart's temper and schoolyard fun. My pet monkey suggested "Bisa", but I'm going with "Lart".





Paul Wells? Just Lisa - with the money for an iPod.





Sheena
Sexy sophisticated globe-trotting Canadian flirt with a taste for the finer things in life (including men) and a clever riposte always lurking on her tongue - no one should be surprised when I nominate her to be Miss Moneypenny. ROWR!

Joanne of Joanne And The World:
Thinks she's an esteemed politician but has no comprehension of military matters, people avoid her, loud and over-bearing but genuinely cares. Combined with increasing desperation to remind everyone how young she is, Joanne is clearly... Lwaxanna Troi

And Liberal Catnip is Deanna Troi.


Personally Penny - dead sexy, fun and sassy, but get the fuck out of the way if you want to cross swords with her. Amazing smile, studies hard on issues, loves the environment, likes to learn about the law - this one is almost too easy to bother with.... she's the Julia Roberts incarnation of Erin Brockovich.



Big City Lib
Shrieky, from Care Bears.






Scott Tribe is Martha, as portrayed by Elizabeth Taylor, in Albee's Who's Afraid of Virginia Woolf?

Shoshana B/rainy Smurf









The Frog Lady always reminds me of Toad from X-Men - but nice.

Controversy of the Week Special!
Robert McClelland is Regan MacNeil. Playing with ideas they shouldn't have touched, now they're doubled-over in painfully contorted positions, heads on backwards, fitfully raging and frothing with curses - and spraying vomit over any who dare challenge. Oh, and they're not much for God's Chosen People, either. Where are you, Father Karras, when we need you?

Jason Cherniak... almost too easy... but alright - he is of course the Black Knight.

ARTHUR:
Look, you stupid bastard. You've got no arms left.
BLACK KNIGHT:
Yes, I have.



Kate MacMillan
Her interest in mechanics and attempts to convince people she is human qualify her to play Lt. Cmdr. Data -- but he always tells the truth, and makes a constant effort to be diplomatic and kind. So his evil twin Lore makes a perfect substitute - good with numbers, and gives the Borg a false sense of individuality with which to manipulate them. Be warned - Lore is not known to have Data's off-switch.

Fond of wearing leather, can't get enough of the spotlight, despises authority, environmentally conscious and vocal, uses a sledgehammer when a love-tap would do - you can never be sure who's side he's playing on, though you always know it's in his own best interest... Michelle Pfeiffer owns Catwoman, but if Halle Berry can strap on the whip, Garth Turner can suit up for a bit.


Jacobin
Runs around in circles desperately linking to mainframes anywhere he can find them. And seriously, can ANYone understand what the fuck he's talking about? Ever?



Red Butler

Like the robot shark they used to make JAWS, he can only turn left.

Just kidding man, you know I love ya, big red ;)

80's Girls Gone Wild
JoanneTB - sword at the ready, this is a blogger who won't back down, ever - She-Ra for sure. Candace loves a good laugh, enjoys children, and likes to listen and share, she's open-minded, and most of all, she always looks on the bright side: she reminds me of Rainbow Brite, and Paladiea seems at home in the forest, and she's something of a fruit, really, so Strawberry Shortcake she is. They probably deserve better than this picture, but seriously, does it get any better than this picture?

Steve Janke - none other than Mycroft Holmes: Sherlock Holme's older, smarter, lazier brother. He knows everything, or can find it out, but, like any true blogger, he doesn't like to leave the house very often. Prefers to focus on government work.

Pierre Bourque
He likes fast cars, hanging out in fancy restaurants to spy on conversations, and most of all, knows the power of paid endorsements and product placement. Hm, ring any bells?


Springer: Pick a Charlton Heston character. Any Charlton Heston character.


Thou gorbellied crook-pated canker-blossom! Qualling milk-livered miscreant! Rank rutting reeky rogue! Lumpish impertinent fawning logger-headed fat-kidneyed doghearted hell-hated pox-marked dankish F-word (that's "fustilarian", by the way) toad! Snippy enough to be gay, yet married with children, Fan of the Great Insult Red Tory is Wm. Shakespeare - not a fictional character, granted... or was he???


Formerly the most powerful lawyer in Gotham City, he met a horrible fate at the hands of a conniving and backstabbing bigwig looking to get even. Now a twisted and bitter arch-nemesis of decency, you never know when he'll strike next, or who he'll move against. Heads you live - tails you die - it's all just a whim to him, a casual toss of the coin. Warren Kinsella is Harvey "Two-Face" Dent.



Stephen Taylor guest stars in Stranger than Fiction. "One day, Harold suddenly started hearing a powerful voice that no one else could, which started to tell him what to do." Just kiddin' ya, ST. ;)


Who said democracy would be easy? Pogge reminds me of the Rebel Alliance - they're taking the Death Star down, baby, even if they have to do it twice!




Richard McAdam: lives on the ocean, was once a Liberal but bargained to sell his soul to become a Tory - and got his wish. Now, he's celebrating true love. He's The Little Mermaid!


Joe Green - does he even exist? It's a never ending debate - he's Mr. Snuffleupagus.


Ready to lead a full rebellion against the central Empire to create a free and democratic Republic, fair to all outlying regions, Joe Calgary's got heavy organization skills and the financial backing to put them to use. No time for bullshit, and knows his way around a gun, Joe is Princess Leia.

James Bow: crazy little thing called love, for trains. And rails. And train stations. Childlike, but not childish, earnest and with an imagination beyond compare, he enjoys science-fiction and fantasy. He's Canadian and loves to entertain kids with stories - tell me he doesn't just scream Simon from The Secret Railroad.

Because he does.


Greg Staples - Conservative - but, not evil. Always fair and honest with you, reasonable, prefers debate to argument. Capable and efficient, always knows his stuff, always prepared, he's a devoted family man, and so freaking nice. Michael Bluth.

Undercover Mosque

Intrigued by the stories of this BBC programs's investigation into moderate mosques in Britain, I contacted the Beeb to inquire about purchasing a copy, to see for myself what all the fuss was about. Alas, they finally got back to say copies were not available for purchase - but I had the swift idea of checking YouTube.

Part One


Part Two


Part Three


Part Four


Part Five


Part Six